An ode to the giant man of RUSSIA.
Nikolai Valuev was born on August 21, 1973 in generic poor Russian town. His family was amazed at how massive he was. Even on a meager diet of rationed gruel, stale bread, and growth hormones, he was able to muster great, totally unnatural strength. As a small child, he was able to lift small cars with one had. When he was five, he wrestled a gang of polar bears and made his family fur coats.
You may ask, "but poler bares r not in rusha!!!" I know, stupid, his level of badassness was so great, he made polar bears feel threatened, so threatened they had to round up their best boys(including fan favorites like Pookie and Snowbawls) and headed out to Russia to kick young Valuev's ass, only to find out that growth hormones tend to make people hulk strong.
When Valuev was ten years old, his mother fell desperately ill. To help make money, Valuev began demonstrating feats of strength at bars around the country, beating the crap out of everyone there and then taking the money in the cash register as a tip for his services.
Eventually, people caught word of Valuev, and to counter Valuev, made a decree that all ten year old boys who either stood over six feet tall and/or weighed over 250 pounds would not be admitted into any town or city that had a bar in or around it. Naturally, that left Valuev and a lot of obese Russian kids out in the freezing cold.
But all was not lost for the Russian giant man. One day, while Valuev was practicing tying bows with tree trunks, a boxing promoter by the name of Slimy McBackstabbingcunt approached him, and offered him a contract of 4 million Russian dorra to fight in Murrika. Of curse , there was a fair percentage share of 95/5% for McBackstabbingcunt and Valuev, respectively. Valuev accepted, and off they went, to the wonderful backwards ass world of Murrika.
Valuev found this mystical place mystifing, but he wouldn't allow himself to be distracted by the mammoth breasted prostitutes or the man in the corner offering shit that would make him feel good but ultimately ruin his life and everything he ever strived for. No, he was focused on fighting. On becoming the heavy weight champion of THE WORLD. Of THE WORLD, Craig.
In Valuev's first match, he totally punched this dude's head off. No lie, bro. Look it up on Youtube if you don't believe me. Totally true story, head went right off, right into somebody's lap. Like it was a lego piece or something.
Valuev punched his way through many targets, all with the same relative ease. It wasn't until th very end that he faced a true challenge. He would have to face....IRON MIKE TYSON(Circa 1987)
As every gamer who doesn't enjoy Bratz: The shitty product tie-in game knows, IRON MIKE TYSON is invincible. He can kill you with one punch. He will eat your children/parents, throw you off a cliff, do the macarana, anything possible to win the game. He is merciless. But mighty Valuev ain't no pussy. He was ready for combat.
Ding Ding Ding. The match had begun. Valuev threw a right, a left, another right. No effect on IRON MIKE. Valuev then threw his treademark uppercut. IRON MIKE laughs him and calls him a girl. Then IRON MIKE punches him in the chest and ruptures his spleen. Valuev falls to the ground. It was over....all...OVER.
Valuev spiraled into depression. The people hated him. McBackstabbingcunt shredded his contract. The IRS came and took everything out of his flat, even the floorboards and cockroaches. Valuev had nothing. At the age of 12, he had won everything, and lost it all in one night. What a shaaaame.
So. The moral of this story is, clearly, don't be a fucking giant. Srsly, nothing good ever came to a giant.
THE END
Oh yeah, Valuev's family? They all ended up starving to death because he forgot where he lived. Stupid stupid boy.
I am not sure how I feel about this post.
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ReplyDeleteTrue, true.
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