TES Ep. 2- How to be a Writer

"Stop writing for other people! You're like... some kind of... writing mercenary!"
-My mother

Thank you, mother dearest. For your information, I don't even do commissions anymore. I was once forced to write some Mary Sue love story for this one chick, and I'm still recovering from the mental trauma.

Ahem.

This brings me to today's episode of The Educational Show. Today, we will be learning about writing.

Writing is a highly dangerous process undertaken by only the most skilled professionals. To become a writer, people must go on a long and difficult quest to find the Seven Sacred Symbolic Stones of Skill, and bring them all to a hidden cave in the Himalayas. Only then will they be granted the mystical ability to put words on paper. (Even so, 90% of all written materials are shit. Including this blog entry.)

MAGICAL JOURNEY WALKTHROUGH

Here are the locations of the seven stones:
Red- Latitude 55.014586; Longitude 159.169922. Just walk right in and get it, but please don't touch anything else.
Orange- Go to Canada. Ask for Abdullahi. Don't worry, everyone in Canada knows each other.
Yellow- Latitude -24.657668; Longitude -69.697266. Bring a shovel.
Green- Stuttgart, Germany. 910, 02, 328. You know what to do.
Blue- 38°53'23"N , 77°00'27"W. Ask for Elijah. The password is 'swordfish'.
Indigo- Madagascar's largest seaport. Third door on the right. Knock 'SOS' before entering.
Violet- Osaka, Japan. Wear a toilet seat around your neck while constantly humming the Jeopardy theme, that's how they'll recognize you.

The cave is at -16.344036; 93.339844. After placing the stones into the corresponding slots in the wall, two doors will be revealed. These doors have two guards, one who always lies and one who always tells the truth. Just take the door on the left.
You should come to a room empty except for a raised square platform, a clockwork robot, and a chessboard. To advance, you have to beat the robot at boxing.
Now, you're almost there. There will be a glowing golden quill on a pedestal. Don't touch it. It's a trap. Instead, look for a chewed-on pencil nub lying on the floor behind the pedestal. This is the true source of writer powers. Take it, it's yours. And be ready to outrun a giant rolling stone ball, some swinging axe blades, and several arrow traps on your way out. Just after you escape, the entire cave should self-destruct. Don't worry, it'll reset for the next guy who wants to be a writer.