Twilight is actually My Immortal

So, I first hear about this Teen Girl Sensation of a Novel, Twilight, about two years ago. As I recall, I was in middle school, and my idiot self back then was into fistfights, gatling guns, interesting diseases, antique swords, and (for some reason) Victor Hugo musical theater adaptations. So of course I didn't give a damn about this vampire novel that all the other chicks were talking about.

But I digress. Anyway, fast forward two years. After tripping over a sandbag and banging my head on a poorly-placed metal pole, I had another of my head-injury-induced revelations: People were still reading Twilight. I decided that maybe it was actually rather good, and I should try it. I go to the library, check out Twilight, and neglect my maths homework to better immerse myself in the plot.

As it turns out, there isn't a plot. Well, there probably is, but it's like continental drift. It's happening, sure, but too slow for a casual observer to perceive. Reading this book made me realize why I do not read books set in high schools. Your average high school is fucking boring and I've already nearly gone insane trying to cope with my own high school problems, danke.

Even I don't bitch as much as Bella does. She's impossible to please, evidently:
"Waaah, what if they don't liiike meee" *several guys start kissing up to her* "Waaah, they're liiiking meee"

And I totally knew Edgar Sullen was a vampire. I mean, the back cover of the book kinda spoiled it. So for the first, what, one-third of the book it's just me yelling "seriously c'mon man... i mean woman... c'mon bitch, figure out that he's a vampire already so we can move on." Only, I said this in my mind, but really loudly. So I was yelling. In my mind.

And then she eventually gets it and they have a shitload of tension and there are some other people but they aren't important. And there's a subplot where there's this other vampire who is after Bella for some reason and the Magical Vampire Family have to go bail her ass out after she does something stupid. I was actually looking forward to a Climatic Vampire Fight, but we don't even get to see that. Dammit. Whatever, the main plot was just the couple talking while slowly being Strangled by the Red String.

Anyway, it was... not good. But I must admit, I probably shouldn't criticize because I'm not even in the target audience. Okay, well, the target audience is teen girls and I am a teen girl. Never mind. I guess I'm still not in the target audience because presumably this is for hopeless romantics. Whatever, the entire genre was invented for Victorian-era fancy repressed women who knew about the smut cleverly disguised as vampire novels. And today we have repressed teen girls who are apparently into necrophilia. The Twilight couple don't even have sex until, I dunno, one of the way-too-many sequels. I just know from the Internet, I haven't actually bothered to read the rest of the books.

Also, vampires are like the Mary Sues of the zombie world.

TLDR; do not read Twilight. Unless you are a hopelessly romantic teen girl with a zombie fetish. Then I can't help you there.